It was my birthday yesterday. My husband was working over the weekend and my daughter was in the school variety show so we didn't do any pre-birthday festivities. My parents are in town and not really able to babysit. They could certainly handle the older two, but my little guy is strong and sometimes fights me on diaper changes and things. I leave the house without bringing all the kids with me on short trips but would feel awkward asking them to sit for a night so my husband and I could go out. And fact of the matter is we can't afford a night out at the moment given the mess I've made of our finances.
So yesterday began like any other day, getting kids to school, and then running errands with my parents. That evening my husband called to say he would be home around 630 and asked what was for dinner. I got upset and told him since it was my birthday I wasn't going to cook, so I assumed they had made plans. He hadn't so I ended up ordering a pizza. After dinner the kids reset the table and we had cake and the kids gave me a card and the Steve Jobs bio.
What annoyed me the most was that despite the fact that yes he was working this weekend, it's not like my birthday was a surprise. He remembers important dates, and our oldest had already told me that she talked to him about stuff she wanted to do. When we went to bed, I basically told him that next year we may as well skip my birthday, cause what's the point. A bit dramatic maybe but still.
Today when I woke up I realized the problem isn't him and what he did. It's me. It is true that Mom's birthdays do kind of get overlooked even though we are the ones organizing everyone else's. (I don't remember doing much for my Mom's birthday when we were kids). The root of the problem though is that I'm still in this big funk, and can't figure out how to get out of it. Money is part of the problem but so is the lack of having good friends to go out with on my own. My husband has made some new friends recently through Indian Princess and work, and has been going to hockey and football games with these people. Fun for him, and while I don't begrudge him his fun time, I am jealous (of him having friends and of how much easier it is for guys to make friends).
We talked for a while and some more the next night. The next night I admitted that I shouldn't have gotten so upset, and told him I've just been in this funk I can't get out it.
As I'm writing this I all of a sudden get U2 "Stuck in a Moment" in my head, started playing it on my iPod and now have Bono trying to cheer me up. Admittedly some of the lyrics are a bit of snap out of it. I liked this part...
Youve got to get yourself together
Youve got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day wont last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
Its just a moment
This time will pass
Now if I could just get myself to do it. My husband understands and supports my need to have time for me, and opportunities to meet new people, I just find it hard. Sometimes I feel like since I spend almost all my time with my kids, I don't really have anything else to contribute to an adult conversation. I know I'm being too hard on myself, and I just need to find something to make me happy again.