Almost one year ago, we finished remodeling our house. It was a big ordeal that took about 3-4 months of planning followed by 7 months of construction. The results are great. Each kid has their own room, we have a bigger kitchen, better storage space. All in all very happy with the results. The only problem is our house is still very much a house. We have nice furniture, things on all the walls (mostly framed posters no real art, but at least they're not bare), but the window treatments still haven't been done in the new space, and it just doesn't feel homey yet.
Admittedly, I have no one to blame for this but myself. The fact is though, I'm not a good shopper. I could just go out and buy a bunch of stuff and fill in the empty spaces, but I don't want to do that. I want to get things that mean something (at least for the small stuff). And the bigger stuff is such a commitment I have a hard time doing it. My husband and I have pretty similar taste, so he trusts me to just buy things and he says as long as I like it he'll be fine, and something is better than nothing as we're not married to it. If we find a better picture a year from now, just change it. As much as I love stores like Costplus and Pottery Barn and used to love Restoration Hardware before they changed everything to look like it came off some sunken ship, they are hard stores to shop in with a 7 year old, 5 year old and 2 year old, or some combination of those, depending on the time and day. So yes I've kind of given up due to feeling overwhelmed. Some people just have a knack for these things, I don't.
We have a designer that we work with when we buy furniture and she's great and I love everything she has picked, even some stuff I was hesitant about in the beginning. She has offered to help us with the smaller stuff, but I really feel like I should do it myself for the little things to be special.
The title of this post is based on a Oprah show I saw ages ago when Nate was doing a makeover on someone's house. He had been given hardly any direction, but wanted to make this family's home reflect who they were. He came across a feather that the woman had saved and while I can't remember the significance of the feather to her, I know it had one and he incorporated that feather into his decorating and they loved it. Oprah made some off the cuff remark about them homeowners "finding their feather" and that phrase has stuck with me. Now I just need to find my feather. What is it? Certainly putting up photographs makes a house more homey, plants help too (although I have a horribly brown thumb).
My idea for getting something on the walls in our bedroom is one that I read in a magazine recently. I bought 3 small canvases and I am going to have my kids paint on them for me. I told them that I don't want realistic looking pictures of a house and a tree or whatever. I want interesting designs/patterns/whatever something abstract using the colors in our room. Our wall color is Restoration Hardware silver sage that is so popular, so I'm going to get little sample jars of that and complimentary colors and just let the kids go for it. They are excited about the idea, and I'm looking forward to see how they turn out.
I wish I enjoyed antiquing or thrift stores but I just don't. I walk into most of those stores and I just feel overwhelmed. It's all hodge podge due to the nature of the selection and while something may catch my eye, it's usually not in a good way - more like why would anyone want that? I have friends who have found great things at flea markets, garage sales, antique stores, but once again I have trouble seeing the trees for the forest. Finding that diamond in the rough. To me most of it just looks like junk even though it may not be. Although this is the summer of new beginnings and new habits, so to add to the ones I listed in previous posts, I plan on checking out a few of these kinds of stores when I don't have the kids with me and can really take the time to look around, and find my feather.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Social Coordinator
Being a mother carries many responsibilities, but honestly the one I dislike the most is that of social coordinator. We are lucky enough to live on a street with a lot of kids, so there are often times that the kids will ring each others doorbells and just play among everyone's yards until dinner. Love that. Unfortunately, most of the other kids on the block are older than mine, so they are busier with activities and homework etc.
I think part of what I don't like is the word "playdate". I don't know why but it just bugs me. I guess it's the dating part. Sounds so formal. I am always surprised when I read in magazines about the multitude of things Moms prepare for these playdates. Admittedly at a younger age, kids may need some direction or they may get bored. I don't hover over my kids when they have a friend over. I provide lunch or a snack and otherwise just stay in earshot in case they start arguing, which usually they don't. I don't prepare special crafts, although we have plenty of crafty stuff available if that's what they choose to do. Really I end up with free time to catch up on laundry, tidying up or ideally reading a book or the newspaper in peace.
My daughters each have a couple of core friends who they play with on a regular basis. Or BFFWL as they call them. So picking who to invite over is the easy part. At this point I know the parents of these kids and have email addresses for them, so again getting in contact is easy. I think it's the juggling of my kids schedule with their kid is tough and mine really don't do that many activities.
That said, I understand the importance of being able to play with friends outside of school, so I guess I just need to suck it up and get better about doing it. Everyone says that once your kids are in school you as a parent make lots of friends through the kids and their friends. Hasn't happened yet for me.
School pickup is the time that I see the most people. However, every afternoon I feel like I'm walking into a speed dating style cocktail party. Look around for a familiar face. Think of a talking point and hope that fills the couple of minutes before the bell rings and maybe leads to a longer conversation. I always have the younger two with me - sometimes in the car, sometimes we walk. Often times I'm too frazzled dealing with them to really talk to someone - and of course the days when I really want to talk to someone is when they are pulling on me asking for stuff. Or if mine are behaving well, the other Mom's kid is tugging at her sleeve or asking for attention. So far the vast majority of the Moms are very nice, but I haven't gotten in enough in-depth conversations to find mutual interests that can lead to friendships. I friend a lot of people of Facebook to find out more about them, and that usually gives me some openers - their new dog, recent vacation, whatever. I just don't want to be phony, but I do try and be friendly.
My husband works long hours and depends on me to take care of our social agenda too. Gee thanks. I joined a women's group here in town about 7 years ago, and have lots of acquaintances through that, but no real friends. It's was a very cliquey group when I first joined. Now there are a lot more fun people who are more genuine, but getting out of the house midweek to go to an event is tough. I did organize one of our club's big events this year with a committee of about 15 people and while I got to know some of those women pretty well, none really that I would pursue as friends. Although at least more familiar faces to talk to at these events.
I guess part of it is that I never really dated and finding new friends to me seems very much like dating. A good conversation can lead to some sort of outing which eventually leads to more plans together etc now you have a friend. Sounds simple enough but juggling 3 kids and their lives and my husbands schedule it's hard to schedule me time which is one of my priorities this year. Having said all that, one of my new goals is to each week contact someone each week and set up some sort of social event (whether it is my kids having a friend over, my husband and I going out with another couple, or me going to an event solo). So far this Friday my husband and I are going out to dinner, next Saturday we have a couples event to go to, so now just need to set up something for my two daughters before school lets out at the end of next week. Should be doable.
I think part of what I don't like is the word "playdate". I don't know why but it just bugs me. I guess it's the dating part. Sounds so formal. I am always surprised when I read in magazines about the multitude of things Moms prepare for these playdates. Admittedly at a younger age, kids may need some direction or they may get bored. I don't hover over my kids when they have a friend over. I provide lunch or a snack and otherwise just stay in earshot in case they start arguing, which usually they don't. I don't prepare special crafts, although we have plenty of crafty stuff available if that's what they choose to do. Really I end up with free time to catch up on laundry, tidying up or ideally reading a book or the newspaper in peace.
My daughters each have a couple of core friends who they play with on a regular basis. Or BFFWL as they call them. So picking who to invite over is the easy part. At this point I know the parents of these kids and have email addresses for them, so again getting in contact is easy. I think it's the juggling of my kids schedule with their kid is tough and mine really don't do that many activities.
That said, I understand the importance of being able to play with friends outside of school, so I guess I just need to suck it up and get better about doing it. Everyone says that once your kids are in school you as a parent make lots of friends through the kids and their friends. Hasn't happened yet for me.
School pickup is the time that I see the most people. However, every afternoon I feel like I'm walking into a speed dating style cocktail party. Look around for a familiar face. Think of a talking point and hope that fills the couple of minutes before the bell rings and maybe leads to a longer conversation. I always have the younger two with me - sometimes in the car, sometimes we walk. Often times I'm too frazzled dealing with them to really talk to someone - and of course the days when I really want to talk to someone is when they are pulling on me asking for stuff. Or if mine are behaving well, the other Mom's kid is tugging at her sleeve or asking for attention. So far the vast majority of the Moms are very nice, but I haven't gotten in enough in-depth conversations to find mutual interests that can lead to friendships. I friend a lot of people of Facebook to find out more about them, and that usually gives me some openers - their new dog, recent vacation, whatever. I just don't want to be phony, but I do try and be friendly.
My husband works long hours and depends on me to take care of our social agenda too. Gee thanks. I joined a women's group here in town about 7 years ago, and have lots of acquaintances through that, but no real friends. It's was a very cliquey group when I first joined. Now there are a lot more fun people who are more genuine, but getting out of the house midweek to go to an event is tough. I did organize one of our club's big events this year with a committee of about 15 people and while I got to know some of those women pretty well, none really that I would pursue as friends. Although at least more familiar faces to talk to at these events.
I guess part of it is that I never really dated and finding new friends to me seems very much like dating. A good conversation can lead to some sort of outing which eventually leads to more plans together etc now you have a friend. Sounds simple enough but juggling 3 kids and their lives and my husbands schedule it's hard to schedule me time which is one of my priorities this year. Having said all that, one of my new goals is to each week contact someone each week and set up some sort of social event (whether it is my kids having a friend over, my husband and I going out with another couple, or me going to an event solo). So far this Friday my husband and I are going out to dinner, next Saturday we have a couples event to go to, so now just need to set up something for my two daughters before school lets out at the end of next week. Should be doable.
Did I Break her Spirit?
My oldest daughter is 7 years old and is a great kid. She's smart, outgoing, polite, able to interact well with kids and adults alike. She plays just like any other kid, and has fun playing with her friends. Most of the time she gets along well with her siblings. She is very aware of rules and follows them exactly. Everyone always says that young kids need structure, so when she was a toddler my husband and I set rules for her and she followed them to the letter. As she got older there were more rules, but for the most part they all come down to the basic principles of keeping our kids safe and healthy and having respect for others.
While I love knowing that if I tell her something I only have to tell her once, sometimes she gets so serious about the rules that she doesn't understand that exceptions can be made and not everything is black and white. She has become the master of sulking. For example the other day she and her younger sister were playing with one of those little Barbie pools. They were playing with it outside as I knew they would end up splashing a bit, so rather leave the mess out there. After a bit of playing they were also pretty wet so I said something along the lines of , "no more Barbie pool, time to clean up for dinner". To which she started sulking and said, "You mean we need to throw it out?" No I didn't mean that, I suppose I could have added the words "for today", but come on kid do you need to take me so literally? This is just one of countless examples and it happens multiple times a day. She has always been a very focused kid, which is great when focus is what's called for, but that doesn't mean that every word needs to be taken so literally.
She has also started enforcing my rules on her siblings, which bugs me. For breakfast I give them fruit and milk to start with while I prepare the rest of their mean (these days usually pancakes). In the beginning to get them to eat their fruit I wouldn't give them the pancakes until the whole banana or at least half an apple was eaten, but now they are usually pretty good about eating the fruit so I don't really enforce it anymore. This morning, she asked for a banana and her sister wanted an apple. When the pancakes were ready I gave them maple syrup in a bowl for dipping their pancakes in and put it between the two of them. She immediately took the maple syrup put it on her place mat and declared that her sister couldn't have any because she hadn't eaten any of her apple. I told her that was not up to her to enforce and to share the syrup. She spent the rest of the breakfast sulking, and sure enough after her sister finished her pancakes she ate her apple half.
The main problem is that when she gets in to one of these funks, they last quite a while and she has a hard time getting happy again. I've tried to teach her how to put it behind her, move on, not sweat the small stuff, step away for a minute and come back happy, find your happy place, all that stuff. Doesn't work. I try changing the subject and usually I get a few minutes of grumpy answers and then she brings up what she was sulking about again. I'm hoping this is just a phase and as she learns how to control her emotions she will learn how to do the things I just mentioned, cause otherwise the poor kid is in for a life of disappointment and grumpiness and I don't think I can take that. The hard part too is I can already see that change happening with my 5 year old. She definitely has a bit of the middle child syndrome, but I don't want to the same thing to happen to her as well.
I wonder if I'm to blame. I know personality is based on nature and nurture, but did all our rules break her spirit or was this just the natural evolution of a very focused toddler who thrived on routine.
While I love knowing that if I tell her something I only have to tell her once, sometimes she gets so serious about the rules that she doesn't understand that exceptions can be made and not everything is black and white. She has become the master of sulking. For example the other day she and her younger sister were playing with one of those little Barbie pools. They were playing with it outside as I knew they would end up splashing a bit, so rather leave the mess out there. After a bit of playing they were also pretty wet so I said something along the lines of , "no more Barbie pool, time to clean up for dinner". To which she started sulking and said, "You mean we need to throw it out?" No I didn't mean that, I suppose I could have added the words "for today", but come on kid do you need to take me so literally? This is just one of countless examples and it happens multiple times a day. She has always been a very focused kid, which is great when focus is what's called for, but that doesn't mean that every word needs to be taken so literally.
She has also started enforcing my rules on her siblings, which bugs me. For breakfast I give them fruit and milk to start with while I prepare the rest of their mean (these days usually pancakes). In the beginning to get them to eat their fruit I wouldn't give them the pancakes until the whole banana or at least half an apple was eaten, but now they are usually pretty good about eating the fruit so I don't really enforce it anymore. This morning, she asked for a banana and her sister wanted an apple. When the pancakes were ready I gave them maple syrup in a bowl for dipping their pancakes in and put it between the two of them. She immediately took the maple syrup put it on her place mat and declared that her sister couldn't have any because she hadn't eaten any of her apple. I told her that was not up to her to enforce and to share the syrup. She spent the rest of the breakfast sulking, and sure enough after her sister finished her pancakes she ate her apple half.
The main problem is that when she gets in to one of these funks, they last quite a while and she has a hard time getting happy again. I've tried to teach her how to put it behind her, move on, not sweat the small stuff, step away for a minute and come back happy, find your happy place, all that stuff. Doesn't work. I try changing the subject and usually I get a few minutes of grumpy answers and then she brings up what she was sulking about again. I'm hoping this is just a phase and as she learns how to control her emotions she will learn how to do the things I just mentioned, cause otherwise the poor kid is in for a life of disappointment and grumpiness and I don't think I can take that. The hard part too is I can already see that change happening with my 5 year old. She definitely has a bit of the middle child syndrome, but I don't want to the same thing to happen to her as well.
I wonder if I'm to blame. I know personality is based on nature and nurture, but did all our rules break her spirit or was this just the natural evolution of a very focused toddler who thrived on routine.
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