She's still scared of me :(

I was tucking my daughter in two nights ago and asked her if she had had anymore bad dreams. She hesitated but admitted that yes she had. I asked her what happened and after a pause she said she dreamt that I threw her down the stairs. At that point I started to cry. She gave me a big hug, and I asked her if she really thought I would ever hurt her and she said no. I told her she's right I love her very much and I would never hurt her. We stood there for a long time hugging and finally I tucked her in.

At that point I went in to my room. I sat there for a while in the dark and cried some more. My husband came in after a while and told me that I'm putting too much weight into a 7 year olds interpretation of her dream (probably true), that she's a great kid which he credits me for since he works so much (true) and that she loves me, and knows that I love her (true).

I don't know why she is having the dreams. I will admit I raise my voice more than I'd like. I have never physically hurt her or her siblings nor have I threatened too. I hope that with some extra hugs and positive attention her subconscious will catch up with the reality that she knows I love her and she'll go back to having happy dreams again.

Happy Birthday to Me

It was my birthday yesterday. My husband was working over the weekend and my daughter was in the school variety show so we didn't do any pre-birthday festivities. My parents are in town and not really able to babysit. They could certainly handle the older two, but my little guy is strong and sometimes fights me on diaper changes and things. I leave the house without bringing all the kids with me on short trips but would feel awkward asking them to sit for a night so my husband and I could go out. And fact of the matter is we can't afford a night out at the moment given the mess I've made of our finances.

So yesterday began like any other day, getting kids to school, and then running errands with my parents. That evening my husband called to say he would be home around 630 and asked what was for dinner. I got upset and told him since it was my birthday I wasn't going to cook, so I assumed they had made plans. He hadn't so I ended up ordering a pizza. After dinner the kids reset the table and we had cake and the kids gave me a card and the Steve Jobs bio.

What annoyed me the most was that despite the fact that yes he was working this weekend, it's not like my birthday was a surprise. He remembers important dates, and our oldest had already told me that she talked to him about stuff she wanted to do. When we went to bed, I basically told him that next year we may as well skip my birthday, cause what's the point. A bit dramatic maybe but still.

Today when I woke up I realized the problem isn't him and what he did. It's me. It is true that Mom's birthdays do kind of get overlooked even though we are the ones organizing everyone else's. (I don't remember doing much for my Mom's birthday when we were kids). The root of the problem though is that I'm still in this big funk, and can't figure out how to get out of it. Money is part of the problem but so is the lack of having good friends to go out with on my own. My husband has made some new friends recently through Indian Princess and work, and has been going to hockey and football games with these people. Fun for him, and while I don't begrudge him his fun time, I am jealous (of him having friends and of how much easier it is for guys to make friends).

We talked for a while and some more the next night. The next night I admitted that I shouldn't have gotten so upset, and told him I've just been in this funk I can't get out it.

As I'm writing this I all of a sudden get U2 "Stuck in a Moment" in my head, started playing it on my iPod and now have Bono trying to cheer me up. Admittedly some of the lyrics are a bit of snap out of it. I liked this part...

Youve got to get yourself together
Youve got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day wont last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
Its just a moment
This time will pass

Now if I could just get myself to do it. My husband understands and supports my need to have time for me, and opportunities to meet new people, I just find it hard. Sometimes I feel like since I spend almost all my time with my kids, I don't really have anything else to contribute to an adult conversation. I know I'm being too hard on myself, and I just need to find something to make me happy again.

She's scared of me?

Last night I was trying to help my daughter with her vocabulary homework and she started getting frustrated, which got me frustrated. I started to yell and told her that if she didn't want my help, then she could do it herself. She got more upset, started to cry and then told me that she's scared of me. She even said that sometimes she has bad dreams that I get so upset that I pick her up and throw her on the floor. Wow! I have never physically harmed any of my children and do not believe in spanking. I know words can hurt but I never realized that when I raised my voice I was hurting her that much. I don't call my children names, and try to be careful about the words I choose when I do get upset with them. Obviously I am failing miserably.

When she told me this I was shocked, I brought her in to the family room, sat her down, gave her a big hug and apologized. I asked her why she had never told me this before and she said she didn't want to embarrass me. I promised her I will try much much harder to control my temper and choose my words more carefully. I also asked (calmly this time) that if she gets frustrated at her homework, and if asks me for help, that she listen to the help I give, and if she still doesn't understand we will work through it together.

I have been trying to reach her to manage her time better so that if an assignment takes longer than she thought, she doesn't get so nervous about not finishing in time, since that's usually the main reason for her frustration. I don't make her do her homework the minute she gets home from school, but we talk about when she will start. If the time she picks seems reasonable I agree and let her do what she wants until that time comes. Lately when I remind her that the time has come, she gets annoyed, that she has to stop playing. I've tried to explain to her that the earlier she starts the sooner she'll be done and the easier it is for me to help her. Once I need to start making dinner it gets harder for me to focus, and then she has a harder time focusing too.

We started today with everyone in a good mood, hugs all around as usual. Everyone got ready for school in time (and even went quickly enough that I had time to shower - which improves my mood considerably). She ran off to school with a smile and will greet me with a big hug when she is dismissed, as she always does.

Luckily this afternoon is pretty calm, home for snack followed by piano lesson and no homework tonight. Should make it easy for me to keep my cool. I sure hope so.

I never had a temper before I had kids. If something upset me I would cry not yell. I don't know when that changed or why, all I know is I don't like the way i'm acting and it needs to stop. Luckily with my parents arriving today, I won't raise my voice as much with the kids as I'm more aware of what I'm doing when other people are around.

I feel bad that she doesn't get as much good time with me as the younger two, and hopefully will be able to make that happen more while my parents are here (and next month when my in laws are here).